Shots

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Sometimes you just need to cry & be sad.
You need to break down & be torn apart.
You need to learn to pick yourself up & put yourself back together.
Sometimes, the only way to be happy is to give into sadness first,
because without sadness, there is no happiness; you would never learn to smile.

The long-awaited recess week is FINALLY here! So here I am, after deciding to update endlessparadigm proper instead of the previous few short ones. Indulgence at its best these few days, evidentlyyyy.

Recess week started off really well (: Spent last Saturday at committee bonding session/outing, where we headed to Safra Toa Payoh for bowling session, before going to Raffles City/Marina Square/Suntec City … for llaollao & to shop around! Retail therapy is ALWAYS the best, although it’s hard to control spending (but I did!). Guilty pleasure in the form of materialistic items, it’s good to indulge once in a while hee. Hoping for more comm bonding opportunities in the future, this bunch of people are really awesome & such, it’s going to be an interesting academic year ahead, & I foresee reluctance to step down after this AY actually haha but okaaaaay I’ll cherish whatever time there is with the comm (: Everyone is so vastly different from each other, but I’m really hoping that we will all fall nicely together like puzzle pieces.

Sunday was a pretty … nostalgic one? Because it’s the last tuition session that I have with Char before her PSLE papers! Can’t believe that it has been more than a year since I started being her tuition teacher, it’s amazing how much we have progressed & the amount of rapport built in my term of teaching. There’s just this innocence in primary school kids that cannot be found in youths/teenagers/young adults/adults these days … somewhere along the way, in the process of growing up, this innocence just gets buried within. I’m definitely going to miss having 4h-long sessions with her every weekend, where along the way she’d share with me bits & pieces of her school life & what-nots. I feel really heartened whenever she shares such stuff with me because she’s definitely not obliged to, but her doing so shows the trust she has in me, & that she genuinely doesn’t mind sharing such info with me (: Rapport is really, really important. Might be tutoring her for secondary school work, shall see how it goes! I’ll cherish the loom bracelet & charm that she made for me as a teachers’ day gift, so so touched by these little actions :’) & she was really happy when she received the muji stuff I got for her as a farewell-cum-PSLE-encouragement gift hee. Little joys in lifeee, it can be in the form of such simplicity (‘:

Monday was insane. Mugging session with study buddy A! Decided to camp at CLB from 10am to 9pm haha, it was quite a productive session & I definitely use my phone waaaay less than when I’m studying at home & stuff. So it’s a good first step! Enjoy studying with A a lot since … secondary school days? & I really love mugging at CLB 3rd floor, it has been my safe haven since Y1S1, and definitely gonna continue to study there whenever the opportunity arises. Looking forward to the upcoming study sessions, in the meantime enjoy your trip & stay safe alright! x

Todaaaaaay. RVP Mass Meeting fom 10-1pm, & mentoring session from 4.30-9pm. So so tired, but damn worth it. Hmm so during RVP Mass Meeting, we wrote a letter to ourselves! On what we hope to achieve as a RVP chairperson + committee member + volunteer + ourselves. I find such things really meaningful, tried it before on my OCIP Cambodia team & felt like it worked out pretty well! Hoping that I’ll be able to fulfill whatever I penned down in the letter to myself, dated 23 Sept 2014. Perhaps I’ll post my letter up in a review post of my term as a member of YR in the future, shall see how it goes! Mentoring session today was an eye-opener. Mentored a new girl today, and I could say I felt the genuine pride & happiness upon each question she answered correctly :’) These youths are my happy little pills, the reason for me to pull through each hectic day of the week so as to meet them on our usual Tuesday evenings :’) As mentors, we indeed, have a lot to offer to the youths; but I sincerely believe that the youths have so much more to offer to us as well, and I can see (& witness) the potential in each & every one of them. So I hope that none of them will ever give up on themselves, because for one, I will NEVER give up on them (‘: Thank you youths, for allowing me to gain new insights & perspectives after each mentoring session. I love how overwhelmed with emotions & thoughts I feel after each session (in a good way of course), to the extent that attempting to pen down my thoughts are restricting my encapsulation of feelings. One thing’s for sure, I’m never giving up volunteering in my life :’) It’s waaaay too important to me.

Hmm so that’s for my daily updates … yup. Anyway these few days have made me see many things in different perspectives (yet again), & I think it’s really amusing/funny how you try to hard at all these futile attempts because I simply won’t acknowledge them anymore. Continue to try, but all I’m going to say is that the joke’s on you, because I’m not affected at all. Or at least I won’t show you I am. In this game of life, I won’t be the loser unless I deem so.

On a sidenote, crossing my fingers that things will be … okay. Don’t exactly wanna cross paths with you anymore though it seems inevitable so, hoping for the best. Because I don’t think I can take a second round of all that has happened in the past any longer yup. Really, really worried but I don’t want this to burden me anymore like it did last time. & I don’t exactly want my world to start crashing down again, now that it just started to get back on track.

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Got tagged to do the 20 facts about me, prolly will post it up soon! I really should stop all the late nights it’s getting unhealthy albeit not taking a toll on my physical health (as of now), despite the frequent headaches/migraines though I’m kind of used to them already haha.

Can’t believe I just typed such a long post! Till the next time x

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Wild Rose

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Belated post that concludes the end of finals! As of 06 May 2014: “Goodbye finals | freshie no more | HELLO SUMMER” (: with finals concluding, it marks the end of my official year one of uni life. Inevitably there has been many turns & turmoils along the way of these 2 semesters, but I’ll live with it. Wouldn’t have wanted things to unfold in any other way, glad for everything that happens because after all, everything happens for a reason (: Not sure if I’m trying to find solitude or peace within by using “everything happens for a reason” as the explanation for things that make me upset along the way, but at least it works as a cheer-me-up to a certain extent.

Everything that I wanted to say about being a year one student has probably been expressed along the way of my posts since endlessparadigm was created, so no need for any other words. I’m happy, I really am. 

So … post finals has been an indulgence since I’ve been heading out every single day since finals ended. Need to learn how to control my spending but, the shopaholic side of me has been suppressed for so long, I’ll brush it off as a guilty pleasure or whatever haha. Many things happening this summer break! Meet-ups & hanging out with all ’em friends, continue prepping my tutee for upcoming PSLE, heading to Korea with friends, and the weekly volunteering sessions + adventure camp! So hyped up for the adventure camp & it has been more than a month of worrying/since the interview, glad to have been given the chance to be secretary for adventure camp committee hee.

Really miss being a secretary since the Guiding days, wondering if the experience will be any different or the same eventually. Random bouts of memories keep flashing in my mind, specifically to the Guiding days, but then again it has been long since. Being a mere sec one of the patrol in 2007 to stepping down as PL + secretary in 2010, it was hell of a journey, and that’s prolly an understatement hmm. Whatever it is, looking forward to new beginnings, hope the adventure camp for youth rangers will be successful, can’t wait for first comm meeting + more updates 🙂

There were many things I wanted to post during the finals period but I didn’t want to succumb to the temptation of social media/using my laptop or else productivity will be down to zero alongside mega procrastination. It’s a tradition to be posting at least one quote in each post, and today’s quote will come from one of my closest friends! From a bipolar conversation that we had a week back:

But you learn and appreciate stuff as you grow up.

As much as there’s more hate, but there’s love and care too.

 

– A.L. (2014)

So true indeed hmm. It’s amusing how there are so many topics in a single conversation at the same time, ranging from seemingly deep discussions to those really childish 9 y-o like message exchanges. That’s the beauty of friends I guess, and the rapport in the friendship built within.

Oh and I finally painted my nails again after such a long time! But I couldn’t decide on a single colour + was too lazy to do intricate designs this time so I went with pastel colours (specifically one colour per nail). Kind of pleased with how the colour combination matches hee, maybe I should do this more often.

This post has been rather nonsensical at its best, thanks for reading k bye x

Ride

But the truth is we never really grow up.

We just masquerade as adults,

because that’s what we’re expected to do.

Really short update because I don’t want to neglect this space just because of the upcoming exams (though I’ll acknowledge the importance of finals). The past few days have been … mugging & mugging, and more mugging. Not that I’m complaining, I’m actually really enjoying what I study now. It’s just the concept of “exams” and “grades” that really irks me, as though we’re forced to study just because we need/want to get good grades. Who says I can’t be reading up about these psych stuff because I’m genuinely interested, exams or not? But then again, society makes everything boil down to performing well in such tests … and hence it’s back to hardcore mugging ultimately for the sake of good grades. Well at least I’m enjoying, I really am. I see true meaning in the things that I’m studying (well maybe one or two mods are an exception), but otherwise all else is good 🙂

‘been listening to 4 songs on replay while mugging (courtesy of sis who let me download the songs into her phone ‘cos my iTunes has … certain issues which forbid me from adding songs currently ugh). These songs are more of the slow/ballad kinds, not upbeat, perfect for mugging 🙂 Not sure if I actually work well with listening to music while mugging but at least it keeps me more focused somehow, while the music I listen to drift into the background. It’s there, but I’m not paying attention to it as much, but at least it’s there. Go figure what the effects are haha, ‘cos honestly I’m not really sure too. Anyway the 4 songs are:

Ride – Lana Del Rey

West Coast – Lana Del Rey

Gods & Monsters – Lana Del Rey

House on a Hill – The Pretty Reckless

So evidently I’m a fan of LDR. West Coast is the first single released from her upcoming album Ultraviolence, the other two are from the Paradise Edition of Born to Die album released some time last year. There’s just something about the songs of LDR and her voice that matches so well & makes you fall deep into, nothing else really matters when you’re listening to her songs, it’s almost finding the peace within. The last song of the list House on a Hill, it was a looong process of how I got to know of this song. First I saw on twitter that Taylor Momsen (acted as Jenny Humphrey in Gossip Girl series) was quitting acting for good to focus on her music career – which shocked me because I didn’t actually know she was the lead vocals of a band (aka The Pretty Reckless). So I decided to give their album a try, and out of all the songs in their second studio album (released earlier this year), this ballad caught my attention almost immediately 🙂 And gosh I miss watching Gossip Girl, shall rewatch all 6 seasons after finals. And also to finish watching Pretty Little Liars season 4, can’t wait for Season 5 to be out omg *o*

Oh and Avril Lavigne is releasing her Hello Kitty music video in 2 days’ time, so damn excited for it like all the little black stars in my twitter timeline 🙂 And of course patiently waiting for Give You What You Like music video to drop as well. Awesome songs from her latest self-titled album, definitely worth a listen so please do when you can hee.

Alright it’s probably time to get off endlessparadigm, going to prepare some stuff for Char before I’ll commence mugging for the day. It’s tiring but it’ll be worth it – at least that’s what I always tell myself at times like these, don’t know if I’m delusional or psychoing myself into studying haha whoops.

8 more days till the first paper of finals, may these final 8 days of pre-finals mugging be nothing but productive. All the best to everyone who’s handling exams currently, it’ll be over all too soon before you know it, so persevere & it’ll be alright.

So till the next time x

Memories

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I don’t like remembering. Remembering makes me feel things. I don’t like feeling things.

The past few days have been pretty much insane. All I can say is that I’m genuinely thankful for my friends at times like these, and how they would willingly oblige to all my requests etc, and all the therapeutic words & what-nots. Albeit the short time, it has been a memorable one, so whatever it is, no regrets for sure 🙂 It’s good to find closure in such instances anyway.

Been thinking about my style of blogging, I really admire those who are able to write so fluently/poetic-like, or rather tumblr worthy (aka the kind of things that I will definitely reblog on tumblr haha). It makes my writing seem … inferior? I don’t really know how to get my point across about this, and it kind of sucks how I’m so awkward with words & can’t seem to let the words flow out smoothly to aptly convey my thoughts. Nevertheless, endlessparadigm has been a good platform thus far. I remember creating it back in June last year to signify a fresh start in my life, so I’ll prolly stick with this platform for my entire uni life, as it jots down the bits & pieces of memories that I’ve had in my years as an undergraduate, regardless of happy or sad. Because all these past events are the ones that shaped me to be who I am today, so no regrets.

I’m starting to think “no regrets” is going to be my favorite phrase someday haha but these 2 words really encapsulates the deeper meaning of how we shouldn’t be having second thoughts about our decisions in life, be it minor or major. Take it as an excuse for the occasional YOLO moments that we have, or just to have the courage to venture out of the safety zone we comfortably hide ourselves in.

Nell’s past albums are awesome beyond words. Such a talented band that is waaay underrated, though I have to acknowledge that their genre of music won’t appeal to the general public since it’s non-conventional/considered indie/alternative? Currently listening to Separation Anxiety, an old album dated waaay back in 2008. Separation Anxiety is the first of the trilogy album series, with Slip Away published in 2012, and Newton’s Apple released earlier this year. Each stand-alone album might not make as much sense, but with all 3 albums put together, it’s amazing how the lyrics of each song line up to form a story being told (: And to think they have planned this since the preparation for Separation Anxiety … they are insanely talented really.

Finals are coming, I really need to buck up & study hard so time to end this post here, with lyrics quoted from Time Walking on Memory by Nell, you’ve got to love this song x

The door of wanting opens

Your memories come and find me

My eyes turn red

The door of wanting opens

Your memories come and find me

My heart keeps getting torn

Time changes everyone

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Stop looking at the past and all the things you can’t change. They’re done and over with. Now is the time for you to look to the future, grasp it by the hand, and decide where you want to go.

Today is an awesome day so it deserves a post! Had social psych paper presentation/re-enactment this morning, thankful it went pretty well, with minimum hiccups here & there. Overall, felt like it was a decent presentation, although we were waaay under time. But hey, let’s just say we’re efficient that way HAHA (who am I kidding). Thank you to all my friends who wished me all the luck they could give me, & all the random chats etc during these few days. All the small actions mean a lot to me, I’m a person with many emotions, I realised – In a way where I tend to be more sensitive to little actions etc, that others might or might not see.

Can’t believe that we managed to put up the presentation in such a short span of time, so proud of ourselves really. First official meetup last Friday, came up with the script + slides over the weekend, met up for 2 hours on Monday for re-enactment rehearsal, and we did our actual presentation this morning. Not only does this mark my first presentation this sem, it also marks my first presentation in my uni life (as mentioned before), so it really meant a lot to me. Grateful for my group members who make things less awkward, that we’re able to freely talk to each other etc, & open up so we will feel comfortable around each other. Mega excited for our final major social psych project, I foresee all the fun, laughter & what-nots already :’)

On a sidenote, I think I laugh too easily, & I laugh at things that people don’t really find funny hmm. Not sure if this is a good thing or not, but it’s so weird how sometimes I’m laughing so hard yet the rest aren’t able to empathise with how I feel/laugh along with me ): And I think I really need to start acting like I’m 19-turning-20 this year. Growing up, I’ve imagined how mature people turn when they hit/are going to hit the 20s, but evidently I still don’t behave like I’m a young adult right now hee. I’ll try, I promise! To the best of my abilities.

Downloaded a few more books into my phone, I have no idea why I am still downloading them when I have approximately 10 books waiting in line to be read. It’s more of like “stocking up”, after all reading on the phone is an efficient way to some extent hee (: And … I finally managed to find the PDF for Lang Leav’s Love & Misadventures *o* I’ve been trying to find it for days/weeks/months, and I finally.found.it. Imagine my happiness omg, I really love all the poems/quotes in Love & Misadventures, & I’ll try to get my hands on a copy someday. Because such books are definitely worth keeping for a long long time, all the quotes inside are so tumblr worthy & apt (to a certain extent).

I need time, personal time to catch up on everything I’ve been lagging behind. Be it catching up with friends about our lives, downloading & listening to my favorite songs, watching my dramas (like YWCFTS, PLL & Survivor), or just enjoying some peace & quietness alone. But time is never on our side, and time/timing can be a bitch too. Go figure. Alright I really should continue with my marketing assignment since it’s due … tomorrow. NO FINISH NO SLEEP, YOU CAN DO IT SHIAOWEI.

(Before I end this post) I am really mega super duper excited for Avril Lavigne’s concert in Singapore in … 3 days’ time *o* Literally grew up listening to her songs since I was 8 y-o, her songs are my inspiration. Shall end this post with a quote from one of my faves from Avril Lavigne (though I must stress that ALL songs are awesome) x

It doesn’t matter what we do

you make everything seem brighter

I never knew I needed you

Like a sad time needs a sea of lighters

 

What is it I’m feeling?

‘Cause I can’t let it go

If seeing is believing,

then I already know

 

I’m falling fast, 

I hope this lasts,

I’m falling hard for you.

3000 miles

This should be everyone’s motto in life – it’ll make things so much better that way. Especially to be honest, of course. Because as much as how everyone says the truth hurts sometimes, won’t it hurt more if the truth was buried among a series of lies, only to be unraveled ultimately that everything has been nothing but a facade? If you really want to hide the truth to protect someone, then do a good job and make sure it doesn’t get exposed in your entire lifetime. Or else the truth will actually hurt a million times more than when you first come clean with it in the first place.

In a reflective mode now that I’m trying to slug through my soci journal entry hmm. Just ignore my ramblings haha. Spent literally HOURS crafting my journal entry, then editing it, deleting sentences after sentences away, to finalize the mere 300 words that I am contented with to submit (and no I’m still amidst all these editing, posting just for a short breather). What’s worse is that there isn’t a specified format, so we absolutely have ZERO clues as to what our entries are supposed to look like.

Talked about this a few nights ago with Yumin, I think the Kpop music industry isn’t what it was originally supposed to be anymore. It isn’t just purely about delivering good music, it’s all about the competition. And it is getting so damn tiring trying to keep up with all the controversies & what-nots, trying to discern who is telling the truth – plot twist: perhaps everyone’s lying. Then it boils down to whose perspective to look at, and what for let ourselves get troubled over this – when the original intention of music should be for enjoyment. Maybe that’s why I’m slowly going back to English pop music (don’t get me wrong I’m still an Inspirit it’s just that kpop as a whole is really, really tiring). I admit the English pop industry is … insane as well. But all’s well as long as I just focus on the songs & lyrics etc! On a sidenote, really excited for Avril Lavigne Live in Singapore, it’s happening in exactly 20 days, so excited *o*

Completed The Fault In Our Stars by John Green, it was a short yet good read. Definitely tear-jerking, and it touched my heart. Felt the bittersweet feelings, it was so cleverly and well-portrayed throughout this novel (‘: Found the other novels written by John Green, can’t wait to start on them after I finish reading The Notebook! There’s something about reading that acts as a getaway, a platform entirely out of reality that makes you wonder, and just wonder. About anything & everything.

Had a pre-CNY reunion dinner with my cousins yesterday, and it was so awesome (‘: Had the tradition to lao yu sheng with cousins, and we do it the Lim family way – adding dragonfruit to our yusheng HAHA lazy to upload the photo here though. Can’t get over how cute my nephew is, baby Kaile has this crazy obsession with phones. He knows how to unlock an iPhone despite being just 1 y-o+, talk about how technology has officially morphed into the lives of kids from such a tender age. And he can’t even speak yet, or rather he speaks gibberish now that sounds so adorable! It was so fun making Kaile crawl around the bed, just so he can get the phone. And he keeps crawling around in the same sequence, it was so hilarious. Babies are so innocent, may he grow up to be a fine guy HAHA. Wanted to play card games with cousins, but initially we couldn’t find any poker cards so … desperate us actually drew the cards out on A4 paper & tore them into poker card sizes. Left the paper-poker card version there, just in case we ever need it again someday.

Went to various places around BV area with Amanda on Friday, it was such an amusing time despite it being a short one. Thank you for the arrowhead chips (it’s so yummy)! And walking around aimlessly seeing stuff etc, and for helping me hold stuff so I have two free hands to hold my skirt down, all thanks to the crazy howling wind omg. Because true friends stay golden, no matter how frequent (or not) meet-ups are in real life (‘:

Everybody is special. Everybody. Everybody is a hero, a lover, a fool, a villain. Everybody. Everybody has their story to tell.

Shall end my post with this quote. Media & culture journal entry, we meet again x

Unapologize

MIDWEEK UPDATE. 1.5 weeks of lessons in Y1S2 has passed, it has been relatively hectic I don’t understand why (especially since tutorials haven’t started yet hmm). Looking forward to tutorial sessions now since I have friends (or sister) in all of my tutorial slots! And it’s really really important for me because I’m mega socially awkward, & most of my mods this sem has group work. Crossing my fingers that we will be able to form our own groups, but hey being assigned to a group isn’t that bad either. Maybe it’s time to make new friends! I really need to learn how to be less awkward/shy around strangers, it’s taking a toll on my social life. Just kidding, that social life of mine is non-existent, though I don’t mind it I guess. Having too many friends can get tiring at times (lol), ‘am satisfied with my life now (:

Met up with one of my closest friends yesterday, received such a thoughtful present that must have taken so much time (‘: Gratified. That’s all I will say, to sum it all up. Turning 19 last year in dec made me see so many things, how heartfelt the people around me can make me feel. Midnight loooong birthday messages/wishes, planned surprises, taking the time to meet up, various awesome presents & what-nots, thoughtful handwritten letters, etc. & even a snail-mailed birthday letter by Amanda, I was so touched :’) Nothing beats a sincere letter snail mailed, sometimes technology gets too in the way of life. So thank you to everyone, because these really do matter to me. And I feel loved. So thank you :* To those who have stuck by me throughout all these times.

Baked CNY goodies with the mum & sis over the weekends, it was pure insane baking from 4pm onwards, & by the time we finished packing up it was approx 1am or so already. Once a year affair, it was fun hee. Though I’m not really a CNY-goodie kind of person! But it was still an interesting experience, and I wanna go venture into different bakes! Super interested in red velvet because it is (one of) the love of my life *o* Maybe during the loong summer holidays, just maybe.

Need to be more motivated and buck up for studies! Overseas trip with friends during June shall be my motivation, but I’ll only feel more at ease/not have to worry about it when the flight tickets are booked so … x fingers, please let this trip come true, I really desperately need a getaway during the summer holidays ): I can imagine the amount of fun we will be experiencing already, because as much as I love going overseas in the comfort of having all my family members with me, it is a different feeling altogether to go with friends (& sister) instead! Ahh plans please be confirmed soon.

A lot of thoughts in my mind, but too lazy to post/don’t wanna post them as of now hmm. Downloaded a new ebook to read, it’s a common read, and I hope it’ll be nice! Scratch that, I know it will be nice already (: On a sidenote, so excited for dinner on Saturday hee ^^

SHOUTOUT TO THE CRAZIEST UNI FRIEND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE HAHA. BECAUSE I KNOW YOU READ ENDLESSPARADIGM FOR IDK WHAT REASONS IT’S SO BORING BUT YUP HI x