Couper

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I would love so much to put into words what I feel inside, but no words will ever be enough to equal the vehemence of my feelings.

I’m constantly trying to find those words that can finally explain it.

But … no words can.

Maybe my silence.

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Wonderland

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Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am kind to everyone, but when someone is unkind to me,
weak is not what you are going to remember about me.

I think what hurts the most, is when you give your all to someone. Through thick and thin, you’re there for them unconditionally. You stick with them, no matter what. Then one day, they just give up on you. They won’t even fight for you. The one thing you would have never done, they did with no hesitation.

If you think about it hard enough, you’d start to realize that everything in life is nothing but a paradoxical joke. So many times, I find myself holding back, not taking certain chances, and it all boils down to one primary reason – I’m afraid. But why should we be afraid? What’s so great a strength that should possibly deter me from taking that single leap of faith, which would then lead to so, so much more than I could ever possibly imagine?

So I’ve learnt something new. It’s hard, but I’m trying, I’m trying to start the change. To stop minimizing & discounting your feelings. After all, you have every right to feel the way you do. Sure enough, your feelings may not always be logical, but they are always valid. Because if you feel something, then you feel it and it’s real & legit to you. It’s not something you can ignore or wish away. It’s there, gnawing at you, tugging at your core. You can’t just choose to “stop” these feelings from coming or resurfacing every now and then, just because of circumstances or things that happen along the way.

And in order to find peace within, you have to give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel. You have to let go of what you’ve been told you “should” or “shouldn’t” feel. You have to drown out the voices of people who try to shame you into silence. You have to listen to the sound of your own breathing & honor the truth inside you. Because despite of what you may believe, you don’t need anyone’s validation or approval to feel what you feel. Your feelings are inherently right and true. They’re important and they matter – because you matter, and it is really more than okay to feel what you feel. Don’t let anyone, including yourself, convince you otherwise.

Looking around and people-watching, I can’t help but notice how so many people seem to be walking around with a meaningless life – and I know this is a bold assumption, which I can’t help but to have. They seem half-asleep, even when they’re busy doing things they think are important. This is because they’re chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to create something that gives you purpose & meaning.

Lastly, I just wanted to point this out. Words cut deeper than knives. A knife can be pulled out, but words are embedded into our souls. So if you don’t mean something, then just spare us all the trouble of play pretense and not say it altogether, right from the very start. Because eventually the truth will come to light, and ultimately the joke will be on you. As a friend, I’ll tolerate it, for now. Continue stepping on my toes with your subtle yet bold actions, and you’ll face the wrath from me. I’m appalled by my misjudgement, and I’m sorry to say you officially lost the friend in me, in that particular instant. But for memories & old times sake, I’ll let it go just this once. Just so you know, I’m not to be messed with. When I bite back, it’s going to hurt a million times more than what you’re trying to do to me now.

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And if all those words you said to me actually meant something, maybe we wouldn’t be standing where we are today x

Closures

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Basking in post-midterms indulgence for the entire weekend, before resuming the life of an undergraduate when Monday comes again. Glad that Monday is a public holiday, much needed long weekend indeed, after going through hell of a week due to midterms stress & what-nots.

Friday night was awesome. Rushed to GV Vivo with my horror movie fanatic just to take pictures of/with the Annabelle doll exhibited there, & rushed to GV PS to catch Annabelle (because the seats left for GV Vivo screening was undesirable). Kind of crazy haha, the things we do just to see the doll. It looks so magnificently creepy, & so so intriguing when you just stand in front of the glass case to stare into the eyes of Annabelle. Anyway for those unfamiliar, Annabelle is a prequel/spinoff from The Conjuring (2013). Annabelle wasn’t as scary as The Conjuring, & we were really amused by the audience. If you don’t know what movie we were watching, I swear by just listening to the reactions, you’d think a comedy was screening – because everyone kept laughing during the movie. Despite Annabelle being not scary (at all), it was a nice movie & I’d say worth the watch I guess? I’m glad I managed to catch it because I’ve been waiting for it since forever. Another horror/thriller called Ouija coming soon, to be released on 20 Oct, & it’s another movie date yaaaay haha. Ouija’s trailer looks promising & I think the movie’s tagline is short, sweet & cool.

Keep telling yourself it’s just a game.

Met up with A yesterday. Every meetup with A results in exploring many places haha went to 313/Orchard Gateway/Ion Orchard/Taka/PS & we did major shopping. Lunch was at Ootoya & the food was gooood + ambience is quite suitable to go there solo actually haha (thanks Marcus for the recommendation!) It was quite an epic time trying to find Ootoya haha but then again, since when were things normal when hanging out with A. Tried Tsujiri Parfait as well, & absolutely loved it. The matcha was sooo authentic without having the grainy feel, & the red bean was not too sweet – basically the combination of everything was just right (: Retail therapy at its best, I’m really satisfied with all the buys haha especially the loots from F21 omg *o* Guilty pleasures indeed, shopping with A has always been fun & uncontrollable HAHA. Shan’t elaborate further, ’em memories will always be etched in my mind.

With the end of midterms comes time for self indulgence, aka painting nails etc haha. Can’t wait to dye my hair soon, new colour to experiment I hope it wouldn’t turn out too bad. & I really wanna get permanent pink streaks someday ahhaha shall see how it goesss.

5 October 2014 marks two things:

  1. Exactly one year since OGSSG; the day/night of magic where we witnessed the perfection of Infinite @ Singapore Indoor Stadium for their very first solo concert in Singapore :’) I still remember queuing for mosh pit since mega early morning, & how we were all so overwhelmed by the close proximity we were in with Infinite (since we braved the mosh pit haha)
  2. Woke up to the news of Dongwoo going to Laws of the Jungle oh my gosh. I really love LOTJ, but after watching a few seasons, I know how dangerous it is since they have to brave the natural environment & what-nots. Really excited to watch LOTJ Costa Rica for Dongwoo though, really x fingers that he will be safe filming for this programme omg 😦

The past few days have been spent having late night chats (while studying for midterms of course ahha). & talking to someone made me realize how wrong I’ve been so far. In the search (or rather pursuit) of someone who fits certain criteria, I realized how I’ve forsaken the worth of another. I’m glad it’s not too late, & at least I didn’t jeopardize the other in any way. To the other you, thank you for being there throughout for me & occasionally asking for updates on non-existent happenings, & just checking on my daily life randomly or actually putting in an effort to maintain this friendship 🙂 Because these little actions really matter a lot to me.

It’s really, really hard but I’m trying. Albeit being upset, I’m going to have to start to build ’em walls up because I don’t even think you know you broke through them & just when I thought you’d enter, you just carelessly left without knowing. Maybe we started off on the wrong page, because your perceptions of me are probably so skewed, how I seemed so vulnerable when you first knew me. I don’t blame it on the wrong timings, because after all everything happens for a reason. & I strongly believe that if you can’t handle me at my worst, then there’s no point at all since my best will only be a facade/a part of me that you’d appreciate.

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain & touch our wounds with a warm & tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief & bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing & face us with the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

I’m not looking for someone who can go crazy & high with the socially awkward me, I need someone who can empathize with my dark side & genuinely offer a listening ear without brushing me off so carelessly. It takes a lot of courage to open up to someone, especially for people like me. It’s the kind where you can just sit together or walk alongside each other, without any spoken words exchanged, yet it’s a comfortable silence 🙂

Cherish the people around you, because if you don’t, they will just silently slip away from your life, quietly. Just like how I’m going to slip away from yours, because honestly I think I’m done trying. & yeah you might still be putting me through occasional emotional turmoils, but I’m not going to try anymore because I’m tired of non-reciprocal responses. Though after all these, I don’t regret letting you in on those secrets/thoughts, because I know I still trust you to safekeep them for me 🙂 Thanks for the memories, but perhaps it’s time for some closures. Maybe in the future, should our paths continue to intertwine, we can start off proper all over again.

This is the memory
This is the curse of having
Too much time to think about it
It’s killing me
This is the last time
This is my forgiveness
This is endless

Till the next time, endlessparadigm x

Dreams

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It’s amazing. Some people, they just say these small little things, one sentence and it changed the way you feel about them in an instant. Small little words that can hurt you so much or make you fall deeply in love forever. It changes everything, nothing between you is ever really the same again, even if they don’t know it, it still happens.

She changed to be cold, so that no one could hurt her.

x

Puzzle

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There comes a time when you have to choose between

turning the page or closing the book.

This choice is heavy & may scare you,

But it’s your choice.

What do you want?

 

And you had me at that inevitable beginning, you had me the moment you walked through the door. It’s the inside jokes and bits & pieces of anecdotes that would make perfect sense to no one but you. It’s all of these nuisances – the accumulation of innate snippets that lead me straight to your bait and hook. I don’t know why it matters, or why your presence and absence is more poignant than the rest. Maybe it’s the fact that we didn’t say goodbye but see you later.

And when the soon meets the later and my wants outweigh the fear, maybe then I will speak up. Maybe then I will know. Because you are alive and real, right here, right now, in my mind’s little cinema, where I see you in colors that don’t exist.